For nearly two years now I've been attempting to describe in this blog what life is like for students on a party school campus, and now two freshmen have done it in just four minutes! This is definitely a must see for anyone considering sending children to a subprime party school. Check it out:
Keene Anthem by Lauren Foley and Dylan Welch freshmen at Keene State College in New Hampshire.
Lauren and Dylan are obviously creative and talented young people who need a little guidance about libel and invasion of privacy, but the tune is catchy and the lyrics are spot on in describing the empty lives of students at a party school campus where students spend their time "runnin' around that party scene" that consists of frat parties, chicken patties, anonymous sexual hookups, drugs, "drink all night" and professors that get drunk with their students.
The repeating chorus is:
"Keene, you know what I mean, runnin' around that party scene,
Keene, you know what I mean, living up your college dream....NOT."
And what do they have to say about classes, which their parents think are the reason they are there?
"Yo it's Keene State, time for class,
You gotta be retarded if you can't pass."
Then goes on to say the writer has straight A grades without doing any work. In other words, as I said, spot on. Since they are freshmen, however, they probably do not yet understand that spending five years at this anti-intellectual adolescent resort can leave them $25,000 in debt and unable to get a job using their party school diplomas, which employers understand are worthless pieces of paper.
Just a couple of weeks ago I met one of my former students named Mallory in the Keene Friendly's Restaurant. The waitress job was her second job. She was also employed as an "executive assistant" (secretary) and was working to pay off her college loans. I nearly choked when she told me she owed $30,000! I tried to calculate how many tips she would need to raise that amount of cash. She said she chose Keene State because it was a party school, even though she was accepted at other colleges. Bad idea.
So what we have here is a simple bait and switch. The college administrators lure these kids to the five-year party so they can participate in the lifestyle described in the video and set them up with predatory lenders. They tell the kids they can "be anything you want to be" and give them the loan application forms. Then, after graduation, they get to work at Friendly's for 30 years paying back the loans. Instead of being anything they can be they get to be the one thing colleges like this prepare them for...a life of poverty.
But Lauren and Dylan don't know about that part yet.
Ironically, this video is likely to attract thousands of applicants to Keene State. There are tens of thousands of high school students who can't wait to sign up for the five-year party. The college may have to hire some additional admissions people to handle the onslaught. But admitting even more party students, as profitable as that is, will only increase the college's well-earned reputation as a place where education is only a side show.
Two years ago the college hired a consultant to try to eliminate the number of hits received by a student-produced video about campus riots after the aRed Sox won the World Series. The college taped interviews with students and posted them on You Tube. But Dylan and Lauren have already trumped that effort. Their video has been up less than a month and already has nearly 2,000 hits and the previous audio-only version has nearly 2,000 more. Time to hire another consultant or just throw in the towel and admit that hell yes, we supply the party. Show up and have the time of your life!
If you know someone who is considering sending a child to a party school, please send them this video. You can also ask them to take a look at the 2005 PBS video called "Declining by Degrees," which deals with the same problems without the music. You will be doing them a tremendous favor and save them tens of thousands of dollars.
Glossary for people who are not from Keene:
DC - the dining commons
Wilson Street - the "student ghetto" just outside the campus
Randall - the dormitory where freshmen live
dmb - The Dave Matthews Band
Mailcruiser - the college-run e-mail system, which students hate
PMD - the campus fraternity that most resembles Animal House
Lloyd's - a campus eatery
Roids - steroids
Camp Co - Campus Convenience - a store just off campus
Blackboard - a college computer program used to communicate with students who don't go to classes.